Bipolar or Spiritual Awakening? Is There a Difference?
First and Foremost
This article delves into the spiritual perspective of bipolar disorder and psychosis, offering a unique lens to understand these experiences while inviting readers to explore the profound interplay between mental health and spirituality. This is not medical advice. If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health symptoms, self-harm, or harm to others, please seek support from a licensed professional. Seek help from someone who understands you and can help you ground into physical reality.
Spiritual awakening is often idealized as blissful and serene, a journey of enlightenment and peace. However, my journey shattered that notion, confronting me with fear and chaos. It’s not just about connecting to higher realms; it’s a process of breaking down the old self so the new, authentic self can arise. While such awakenings are believed to connect us to higher realms of understanding and joy, my reality was far more chaotic and unsettling. This awakening changed me, and it needed to happen. Would the term then be described as “spiritual crisis”? Possibly. But here, I will refer to it as my spiritual awakening, as it profoundly shaped who I am today.
My Spiritual Awakening
My spiritual awakening forced me out of my comfort zone, unraveling every fiber of my being and tearing me apart. There was nothing left for me to hold onto. No matter how much I tried to cling, I could not. My body gave out, but amidst this chaos, my intuition was the strongest it had ever been. I kept seeking external validation from people, texts, or anything tangible. But the message was clear: trust yourself. This, however, was too much for me to handle at the time.
I lost touch with reality—with the material, 3D realm. I felt as if I were hovering in the spiritual realm, disconnected from physical sensations and groundedness. It felt like my mind was floating above my body, perceiving everything from a distance while being immersed in a sea of energy that I couldn’t fully comprehend. I could feel energy, especially the density of the lower vibrations around me. It made me spiral and physically sick. Living in that low-energy environment, I attracted more and more negativity. I received visions of the house I lived in being shrouded in darkness. Driving past protests in NYC, I could not handle the negative vibrations and had to pull over and scream. I felt like darkness was chasing me. Once, while driving, I even heard a voice say, “Go kill yourself.” I knew it wasn’t me. I gripped the steering wheel and screamed to God, screamed to Jesus, “I surrender.” I refused to let that dark spirit take over.
This experience was brutal. I woke up every day hoping to feel “normal” again. But what even is “normal”? When I told a friend I felt dissociated, he asked, “Michelle, how do you know you’re dissociated or depersonalized? Who told you this?” That question struck a chord. I was not accepting the new reality. I didn’t know how. I tried to control it, but the harder I clung, the stronger the resistance grew. What I needed was groundedness.
During this time, I felt the Holy Spirit move through me like a shock to my body. In other terms, it was a kundalini awakening, a powerful spiritual experience described as the awakening of energy at the base of the spine, rising through the chakras to bring enlightenment and transformation. The energy surged through my crown chakra, but my lower chakras were ungrounded. I felt like I was floating every day.
Breaking Point and New Beginnings
Prior to this awakening in June 2023, I was clinging tightly to a failing relationship, a soul-draining job that left me bedridden with burnout, an addiction to exercise despite physical exhaustion, and surface-level friendships. The tension in my life kept building until it all exploded in one month. In June 2023, I took disability leave from work, ended the relationship (even though my boyfriend was buying us a house), and stopped working out as my body was utterly drained. I went from lifting heavy weights to barely being able to use 5- or 8-pound dumbbells. I lost 30 pounds in two months. My mind wouldn’t stop racing, leaving me sleepless and exhausted. My cup was empty.
I also left the Catholic religion. When my family refused to listen or support me, labeling my actions as “destroying my life,” I knew I had to leave. I saw through them; they could not understand me. Despite everything happening “to” me, I knew it was happening “for” me. This realization came slowly as I started to notice how each hardship was forcing me to let go of things that no longer served me. The relationship, the job, and the lifestyle I was clinging to were breaking me down. Only when I saw how these losses created space for healing and growth did I begin to understand their purpose. It was terrifying. I didn’t have the energy for life, but I knew I had to keep going and figure out what was happening to me.
A Journey to Healing
A dream of backpacking, combined with a need to escape my environment, led me to buy a one-way ticket to Switzerland. Traveling changed everything. I journeyed with a friend through Switzerland, Italy, Croatia, Paris, and Amsterdam but I continued to feel a strong calling to Bali, which started March 2023. While traveling, I began to notice synchronicities and signs, especially in Amsterdam. While traveling, I began to notice synchronicities and signs, especially in Amsterdam. Wherever I went, I saw Bali—Balinese food dishes in restaurants, shops named after Bali, and other references that felt impossible to ignore. I was acutely aware of these signs. These moments felt too aligned to be mere coincidences. A Reiki practitioner I met there helped pull my energy down from my crown. She shared her own story of a spiritual awakening in Bali. I knew I had to go.
After three weeks of traveling with my friend, I set out alone for Bali. I had no idea where it was or what I was supposed to do there. But I knew I had to go. That’s where my life changed forever.
There’s so much more to this story—to be told another time.
Bipolar Disorder, Psychosis, or Spiritual Awakening?
The Western Medical Perspective
In the Western medical system, my experience would likely be classified as psychosis or a manic episode of bipolar disorder. Psychosis is often defined as a loss of contact with reality, where a person experiences symptoms such as delusions (firmly held beliefs not based in reality) or hallucinations (seeing, hearing, or sensing things that aren’t there). In my experience, it felt like my mind was being pulled into another dimension. I saw vivid images and felt presences that I couldn’t explain. These experiences felt incredibly real, yet I was aware they were outside the boundaries of what others perceived. This disconnection from reality was both terrifying and awe-inspiring, as if I were straddling two worlds at once. In the context of bipolar disorder, psychosis can occur during extreme manic or depressive episodes. It might manifest as a belief that one has special powers, is receiving divine messages, or is being persecuted. These experiences can feel incredibly real to the individual but are often disorienting and lead to significant distress.
Bipolar disorder is defined by its extremes—manic, hypomanic, and depressive episodes, each bringing a unique set of challenges. During a manic episode, someone might feel invincible, almost as if they could accomplish anything without failure. The mind races, leaping from one idea to another, and heightened sensitivity to sounds, lights, and emotions can make the world feel overwhelming yet exhilarating. Sleep becomes almost unnecessary, and racing thoughts make it difficult to focus or communicate clearly. Impulsivity and restlessness often dominate behavior, leading to significant changes in eating habits, over-spending, or risky decisions. In severe cases, there can be delusions or hallucinations, which create a disconnection from reality.
Feeling invincible or overly sensitive
Needing very little sleep
Racing thoughts, impulsivity, and difficulty concentrating
Restlessness and changes in eating habits
Delusions or hallucinations in extreme cases
The Spiritual Perspective
From a spiritual lens, bipolar disorder and psychosis can be seen as profound, albeit challenging, spiritual journeys. This perspective suggests that these states, while difficult, open the door to deeper self-discovery and transformation, where personal growth can emerge from the chaos. The manic phases, often bursting with heightened creativity and boundless energy, might feel like divine inspiration, as though one is channeling insights from a higher realm or accessing untapped potential within. For me, these moments felt electric—a rush of ideas and a sense that I was deeply connected to something greater. I remember writing furiously, receiving downloads and knowledge I never had before. Depressive episodes, on the other hand, can be times of deep reflection and healing—a necessary pause to process emotions and gain clarity. These experiences might mirror the duality of existence—light and dark, struggle and joy—offering lessons in balance, acceptance, and the interconnected nature of all things. Bipolar disorder might reflect life’s natural duality—light and dark, joy and struggle. Manic phases may feel like divine inspiration, while depressive episodes offer deep reflection and inner work.
Psychosis can be seen as a gateway to a higher understanding or an intense spiritual transformation. For example, during my experience, I received vivid messages and deep knowing that felt divinely guided. One instance involved hearing a voice that provided clarity on a long-standing personal conflict, which later led to profound healing. These moments, though disorienting, seemed to push me toward a deeper connection with myself and the universe. The disconnection from physical reality might be interpreted as a deeper connection to the spiritual realm, allowing for visions or insights that feel divinely guided. However, without grounding, this experience can feel chaotic or even terrifying. The process might symbolize an “ego death,” where the old self dissolves to make room for profound personal growth, though this transition is often painful and disorienting.
This journey of spiritual awakening is deeply personal. Along the way, I learned to let go of the old patterns that no longer served me, embraced uncertainty, and found strength in vulnerability. It taught me the importance of grounding, self-trust, and the courage to face the unknown. Through this process, I’ve learned that growth is rarely linear, and beauty often arises from discomfort. If you find yourself on a similar path, know that it’s okay to seek support, trust the process, and honor your own unique journey toward healing and growth. My journey is still unfolding, and I continue to learn to trust the process. It’s not a path easily understood or explained, but for me, it is transformative. If you have any questions, feel free to reach out at michellekubasek31@gmail.com or leave a message. There is more to this story and there always will be. I’m learning to embrace the flow rather than resist it.
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Love this Michelle - I totally relate and love how you've balanced the perspective between the two approaches. Sending lots of love to you on your healing journey and thankful we've connected.